A Letter To My Daughter

You know, I was thinking about the statement you had made last night, how we believe in Jesus and yet we struggle.  It's a misconception that once you have Christ in your life that all your problems will disappear.  As a matter of fact , the Bible says you will have sufferings, you will be persecuted, you will be tempted.  Why should our lives be any different than what Christ had?  He was persecuted, rejected by his own family, mocked, crucified and tempted like us.  God allows circumstances in our lives to build character within us.  He tells us, that although we must suffer, we will not be alone,  He will give us strength, peace, and joy IF we run to him.  We can't always see what he is doing behind the scene, but we can have faith and trust that he is with us and  he has our best interest at heart.  On top of it we have the great promise, that we will reign with him someday, when our time on earth is done.  Seek his face. He will show you what is really important in life.  Not all the fancy clothes, cars, and any other material things you want.  That will not bring your happiness.  I remember being your age, thinking the same way and found out the truth, the hard way.  My life may be difficult, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  When things get out of control, it forces me to run to him, and that's where I find peace and joy.  These two things are priceless.

A Letter To A Dear Friend

                     


Well, I started getting discourage about all of this junk piling up around us.  With a lot I had no control over.  I felt this nudging that I really needed to start bringing my issues to God.  I started praying with Paula and the Wed. night group in the fall but had dropped out.  The holidays were here and you know how busy and joyful everyone is.  So I thought I was doing fine.  The day after I took down the tree, depression hit in every area of my life, it seemed.  Well I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to go back to the prayer meetings.  I chose not to go last week, I was too tired too tired an excuse I has every week.  I have been feeling really drained lately and realized.  I need to make some adjustments in my schedule.  I knew that Wed. night was a priority.  That I had to get there no matter what.  Did I feel like praying?  NO I am angry at God for all this mess were in, some our fault some just life.  I saw this week where I had to start letting go.  I realized that maybe all this pain in my shoulder was not physical but could be spiritual, as well.  I couldn't let go of these problems.  So Annette (who’s my counselor) had taught me a tool to use.  That is, when I first get up to sit and type out what I am feeling, with no  coffee!  You got to be kidding! Coffee is known to be a mood stabilizer.  It was hard at first but it really works.  When I get this upset, my mind goes 100 mile an hour.  I can't process my emotions.  So it's great for that! 

I believe yesterday was a day that the Lord used to prepare me for this morning.  The list, the testimony, and then prayer meeting.  I forgot to tell you the reason prayer meeting is so important, is because it brings my focus back on who God is, and helps me to stay committed to prayer daily because I see the power of God within the group.  There were 9 of us there and it was so wonderful to see how God just used each of us and how we flowed in the Spirit.  My Spirit was lifted. I felt the Presence Of God among us, and had manage to forget all my junk, for that short period of time.

So when I awoke this morning, I was discouraged again, my shoulder was hurting and at this point it looked pretty hopeless.  While I was on FB, I started to cry.  So I sat in my little corner and told Jesus. I NEED A BENCH! (That was part of the testimony I had heard at church) He came to me and I was able to wrap my arms around his neck and I told him.  I, cannot take anymore.  I have had a couple of things go on throughout the day that made me cry.  Issues with my father,  my husband, my health, and my son. 

That's a hard one, Matt is 27 and married and I feel like I'm losing him, and I am always afraid that he doesn't know how much I love him.  When I had been real sick, there were a few times I had physically abused him.  I forgive myself, but it makes me so sad.  God knows if I was in my right frame of mind, things would have been different.  I have spoken with him about Matt about these things and he swears he has forgiven me and  says he knows that I was sick .  He's my first born!  Of course he is special to me.  I guess they all are in one way or another.

Thanks for letting me write.  This is therapeutic.  I am not seeing Annette right now (who is my counselor.  I feel I have too much on my plate, there is a sense of hopelessness, but I also believe that God wants me to learn to lean on him, with a few close friends. 

 By the way, I had another major breakthrough today.  I made myself vulnerable, and jumped the hurdle of fear, to reveal to Mark what I was really thinking about. Why I was crying over my father.  I think I need to slow down, and sit with Jesus for awhile.  Lots of sorrow and lots of pain.

One more thing.  This friend and I were discussing a scripture yesterday.  She had a question about it so I had to go search it out in three versions and it is Matt 17:20-22  It talks about faith of a mustard seed.  You tell the mountain to move, and it will.  That happen to be for me yesterday, when all along  I thought I was helping her.  So yes, I spoke to this gigantic mountain and shouted "MOVE!"  I also was able to use it at the Prayer Meeting.

Christmas Memories

I have decided to blog because I am hogging Face Book today.  I figured I must have something to say.  I am looking back and forward to Christmas.  Many wonderful memories of the past.  If there was one thing my folks knew how to do that was celebrating holidays.  Many good, happy memories when I was young.  We were not rich by no means but you would never have been able to tell that if you came over to our home on Christmas.  Now than I am older, I now realize that all the presents under the tree were not necessarily high quality stuff, but my parents thought the more the merrier.  We always seem to have a lot!  I never knew how they manged to produce so much for us, when we seemed to struggle throughout the year.  I now realize there is this thing that the stores use to have; called lay away.  It was a payment plan you had with the store.

  The most precious gift I remember getting as a child was a Mary Poppins doll.  Now that I think of it I really loved all my dolls.  My motherly instinct would come out of me.  We would usually go to church Christmas Morning and I would remember taking my doll along, as if she was my baby.  After wards, we would go to my grandparents where the whole family would gather.  I really have no memories of it, I just have seen pictures.

As I became a teenager, Christmas was just a night to party.  No more tradition, dreaming, or gratitude.  Just one thing in mind.  It seemed like every Christmas I would get so messed up I would end up ruining the evening for almost everyone.  I would end up angry,spiteful and hateful.  Not a nice picture.

Now, here I am years later.  Cherishing every thing about Christmas.  So sentimental, realizing it's the simple things that bring me joy.  Family, friends and faith.  This is, what it is all about.  Christmas is not just about a baby, born to a virgin.  No,  it's about my God coming to earth in human form, to become the sacrifice for my sins.  So that I can have a real relationship with him.  This is the first year ever that I have been able to grab hold of this truth. To know I can bear my heart, dreams and disappointments with him and that he cares about all of me and loves me dearly, because of Christmas I can say I am his child.  There is no greater gift than that.

The other thing I truly enjoy and love doing is giving.  Giving brings me more joy than anything. It doesn't have to be expensive.  Something simple or just giving of myself; I find people appreciate the most.  Open your heart and see what God can do with you this year.  You may find out that your greatest gift will come from him.

                                                 Thanksgiving

I was just thinking about life in general the other day.  Just what is it that really brings joy and contentment into my life?  Personally I have discovered, it’s not the material things, where I drive myself to death trying to obtain something that will only bring temporary happiness.  I have realized that it’s in relationships that I find true happiness.  Going out with a friend and having a cup of coffee, seeing her smile.  It warms my heart.  Or maybe she is in a tough spot, and I am there just to give her comfort, a shoulder to cry on, I get blessed.  Having a husband that appreciates the little things I do, makes me happy.  When I hear my oldest son’s voice on the other end of the phone, I get excited.  When my older daughter stops by I am thrilled! Talking to my sister, who might as well live on the other end of the earth, because I cannot see her as much as I would love to, makes me happy.  Greeting everyone at church on Sunday Morning, brings me joy.

This weekend I had an opportunity to work with a group of people I love and we had fun.  It did not seem like work because we were having a good time just being around each other.  The most precious gift I have is a personal, intimate relationship with the Lord.  Sitting before him each morning, just melts my heart.  I know he will be with me throughout the day and that I can handle anything that comes my way, because he is beside me.  This is the greatest gift of all.

Then I have two very precious little people in my life that I cannot say enough about.  Our grandchildren!  Phoenix and Phoebe.  I love just observing them.  The simple things that bring them joy.  Give Phoenix a stick and he will find 5 different ways to play with it.  He does not have to have expensive toys, he loves beating and drumming on anything.  Phoebe is younger and just loves undivided attention.  She is just so proud of every little thing new that she can do.  Her giggles, are worth a million dollars to me.  I am looking forward to watching them grow and become what God has planned for them.

I was honored this weekend to go on a short Retreat.  It was a wonderful experience and priceless.  It was like a taste of heaven.  I had time to spend alone with the Lord.  A whole day!  We walked, he talked and I listened.  I could really feel his presence.  I felt special, treasured like he had nothing better to do than just hang out with me.  Could you put a price on that?

As I look at my life, I notice it’s the simple things in life that really matters.  Swinging on swings, camping, fellowship, phone calls to those you love, having meals with friends and family, Woman’s Bible Study, helping others, sitting at a park, writing.  Writing is probably the cheapest hobby you can have and it’s good for the soul.

Another thing I have found is that God has put a desire within each of us to be close to nature.  Some love the forest, others love the ocean, some of us like to watch the sunrise, than there are those of us who like to watch the sun go down.  There are so many beautiful things to admire, if we will just take the time to slow down and look around. You know the phrase “count your blessings one by one.”  It’s true we’re rich if we will just take the time to look.

You know the phrase “count your blessings one by one.”  It’s true, we’re rich if we will just take the time to look.

Writing:My War

                                                      

So I’ve been told that I am gifted at this art.  If so why do I find it difficult to sit and do it? I have been going through some hard times emotionally, the last thing I want to do,  is sit here and try to put words down on paper.  I seem to have a difficult time concentrating on what I want to say or where to go.

When I first started, I thought I would write about my autobiography but I don’t really want to open that door tonight.  It’s a painful place for me.  I don’t want to go to bed all worked up.  I will share the reason I believe, I struggle in this area.

As a child, I learned to write because that was the only way I could communicate to my father.  My dad had anger issues, and did not know how to handle any signs of emotions.  If I would try to share something with him he would get irate, and call me names.  Sometimes, he would get so mad, that his ears and neck would turn red.  So I felt safer to write to him.  At least I was able to get my feelings out. 

  Many times I’d get the same reaction, as if I would have spoken to him.  What hurt me even more is that he would rip up my paper, which to me felt like he was ripping my heart out.

So now, I must tell myself that this is something the Lord has given me and that it’s safe.  No one will be ripping this paper in my face or calling me names.  That I am to continue and share my story, so I can encourage others.  That the Lord delights in my work.

Now that my words are down on this paper, it feels good.  I’ve accomplished what I had set out to do.  I may have to find another time of day to do this.  I am not an evening person but I did enjoy this, better than watching T.V. for hours on end.  I had always wondered for a long time what I was creative at. I believe I have discovered it.  It’s a battle, but I’m a fighter and I will conquer this wall!

    

                                                

The Grand Canyon And All It's Wonders

There is no word that can describe such a magnificent, spectacular hole in this earth!  Our trip was more than we could ever fathom.  It took 13 years to arrive, but it was well worth the wait.  We went up there with intentions to hike around the South Rim and discovered we had more fun camping.  When I say we, I mean hubby and me.

We have not been camping alone in 20 some odd years.  There were no kids to chase after, no kids to dress, no assembly line for Smores or breakfast.  We could sit back and smell the sweet aroma of coffee brewing in the morning, while we warmed up over an open fire.  I love camping, because that's the only time I get breakfast cooked for me.   We didn't sleep well the first night  because the mattress had a leak. I believe that's why many people choose to stay in hotels or lodges.  However, there is nothing like sleeping under the stars, listening to the crickets chirping.  I felt so at home, so at peace.  It didn't matter that there was marshmallows smeared on my face, and sticky fingers.  It was going to stay there until the morning when it warmed up a bit.  It hit about 45 at night.  I made sure to bring plenty of clothing to stay warm and even had hats and gloves.  As long as my hands and head stay warm, I'm fine.

I didn't sleep so well the second night, either.  It was so dry that I had drank a lot of water which means I had to use the ladies room a lot, throughout the night.  The first night I had no problem walking through the dark woods, just me and my little flashlight.  I think it's because I was on a natural high, just being there.  Everything was so fresh and beautiful!  The second night was different.  I felt a little uncomfortable going alone in the woods.  So the second time that I had gone, I asked my hunnybun to come with me, but there was no waking him.  What was I going to do?  I had to go!  So I mustard up courage and went.  Just as I was coming back and stepped onto the campsite, I heard a coyote hollering nearby.  I never jumped into a tent so fast in my life!  Not only that, but they now have remote control LED lanterns!  That is the greatest invention for all mankind as far as I am concerned!  I pushed that button so fast, I have never seen a light go off so quick.

The greatest gift was being in God's world.  Listening to the birds sing.  Watching them scavenge for food.  Staring at the moon and the great vast of stars.  The crisp cool air.  (We live in the desert)  Pine trees as far as you can see. The crackling of the campfire.Getting down on the ground to take snapshots of beautiful wildflowers.  Freedom from responsibilities.   Time was on our side, I had a chance to finish reading a book.  Acknowledging that we were a couple again, feeling young and vibrant. Playing games we use to play when we were only 17 and on our own.  Laughter, memories and living just in the moment.  Such a treat. 

Today is Sunday

For most Christians Sunday is a day where we go to the house of the Lord to worship.  To learn about Gods ways.    Recently I have discovered that it's more than that.  It's a place where he calls us to gather together to share our lives with one another.  I understood that each of us are filled with the Spirit, but did not grasp hold of what that truly meant.  God has called us to fellowship with one another because within each of us is a character of God.  God desires for us to become more like Jesus.  If we neglect being around one another, we will stunt our growth.

So why am I here writing today.  There is a time when you need solitude.  I don't have that opportunity very often, so I am taking advantage of it.  I have been going through some hard stuff and I need to be alone with my Abba Father.  I believe we definitely need each other, but the most important relationship is with God.  I am a people person and i have no problem picking up the phone and reaching out, or making a lunch date with friends.  There are so many ways to fellowship within the body, just make sure you do.

As for Sundays, don't neglect them.  Their just as crucial.  It's a time to gather as a family, a body of believers to hug, encourage, exhort and open our hearts to the one who loves us the most, God himself!