Looking Back

Looking Back.  I understand now why we are to let go of the past and live for today.  Every now and then I catch myself wanting to look back and feel sorry for myself in how this disease I have, robbed me of the joys of motherhood.  Before I got ill I was totally engrossed in my children.  They were my life!  There was nothing more I desired than to be a mother.  Well, God blessed me with four beautiful children.  I got sick in 1995 , which meant my oldest was 12 and the youngest was two.  My 9 year old daughter took it upon herself to become the mother.  She took care of the two year old.  When she went to school she would worry about him.  Who was going to take care of him? I was so sick I couldn't get out of bed.  Needless to say, my "perfect" family became quite dysfunctional.Since I was unable to take care of the children, my husband had to quit his good paying job so he could be home with the kids.  We ended up going bankrupt.  We lost our home, our new car and no where to go, with four children.  I just so happen to have a friend in Phoenix, AZ that had a rental house.

My husband and some friends worked a week on getting this used car running so we could travel to the unknown.  Little did I know that God had a plan for us.  The people who rented us the home gave us a free months rent while Mark found a job.  Mark landed a job the first week we were here!  Then my parents happen to be on vacation and they were right here in Phoenix.  So they were able to help us move in and bought groceries for the first week.  We were totally broke when we arrived.  We were counting pennies at the last hotel.  The home we rented was right down the street from one of the most beautiful parks in Phoenix.  The elementary school was just across the street, we were within 4 grocery stores all within a mile, and had a beautiful Library about 3 miles from home.  Now all we needed to find was a church.  It took 3 years til' I found the place I could call home.

This body of believers accepted me for who I was.  They loved on me and told me that God loved me.  I was not cursed, rejected, rebellious or hopeless.  I am in a place today where I feel total acceptance from God and his joy just overflows within me.  I know he allowed me to experience what I did so I can help others.  God had to bring me to AZ. so that I can be ministered to and learn who I am in him.  That's where your power comes from.  Knowing him.

So I have a choice.  I can choose to look back in bitterness, saying I missed that crucial part of my life or I can say God you were there taking care of everything.  By everything I mean, he has given me a second chance with children and that is my grandchildren.  Little did I know how nuts one can be over their grandchildren.  I feel God is giving me my reward because I didn't give up on him.  As for my children they are grown, responsible happy adults.  I still have one who is at home and he is talking about going into the service.  God did a better job raising them than I could have ever done.  He even blessed us with a teenager later in life.

In His Presence

I sit silently, waiting, listening for him to whisper something in my ear.

Be it a word, a sentence, a phrase.  I never know.

There is peace, comfort and joy.  A sense of  anticipation.

I listen to soft music to welcome his presence.

He’s a dear friend of mine and at the right moment, he speaks.

Softly, lovingly and gently.

He says he loves me and his desire is, that I become all I was designed to be.
He is thrilled I have chosen to spend this time with him, to be his vessel.

The word for today is Love.  His love is beyond anything one can imagine.

So many people don’t understand this love.  They reject it.  His love, is too hard for one to fathom.  People think  they will have to change to be accepted, or that they’re unworthy to be loved by him.  It’s not so.  Christ  loves you just the way you are.

“Come to me and I will give you rest.”  Jesus is wooing you, he just wants to have a relationship with you.

The time I spend in his Presence is priceless.  It’s a gift, a treasure that I look forward to every morning.  If for some reason I miss that time, I hear him whispering throughout the day “Come, sit with me.  I love you”

When I hear this.  I will try to stop and take time to sit, even if it’s 5 minutes.