A Letter To A Dear Friend

                     


Well, I started getting discourage about all of this junk piling up around us.  With a lot I had no control over.  I felt this nudging that I really needed to start bringing my issues to God.  I started praying with Paula and the Wed. night group in the fall but had dropped out.  The holidays were here and you know how busy and joyful everyone is.  So I thought I was doing fine.  The day after I took down the tree, depression hit in every area of my life, it seemed.  Well I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to go back to the prayer meetings.  I chose not to go last week, I was too tired too tired an excuse I has every week.  I have been feeling really drained lately and realized.  I need to make some adjustments in my schedule.  I knew that Wed. night was a priority.  That I had to get there no matter what.  Did I feel like praying?  NO I am angry at God for all this mess were in, some our fault some just life.  I saw this week where I had to start letting go.  I realized that maybe all this pain in my shoulder was not physical but could be spiritual, as well.  I couldn't let go of these problems.  So Annette (who’s my counselor) had taught me a tool to use.  That is, when I first get up to sit and type out what I am feeling, with no  coffee!  You got to be kidding! Coffee is known to be a mood stabilizer.  It was hard at first but it really works.  When I get this upset, my mind goes 100 mile an hour.  I can't process my emotions.  So it's great for that! 

I believe yesterday was a day that the Lord used to prepare me for this morning.  The list, the testimony, and then prayer meeting.  I forgot to tell you the reason prayer meeting is so important, is because it brings my focus back on who God is, and helps me to stay committed to prayer daily because I see the power of God within the group.  There were 9 of us there and it was so wonderful to see how God just used each of us and how we flowed in the Spirit.  My Spirit was lifted. I felt the Presence Of God among us, and had manage to forget all my junk, for that short period of time.

So when I awoke this morning, I was discouraged again, my shoulder was hurting and at this point it looked pretty hopeless.  While I was on FB, I started to cry.  So I sat in my little corner and told Jesus. I NEED A BENCH! (That was part of the testimony I had heard at church) He came to me and I was able to wrap my arms around his neck and I told him.  I, cannot take anymore.  I have had a couple of things go on throughout the day that made me cry.  Issues with my father,  my husband, my health, and my son. 

That's a hard one, Matt is 27 and married and I feel like I'm losing him, and I am always afraid that he doesn't know how much I love him.  When I had been real sick, there were a few times I had physically abused him.  I forgive myself, but it makes me so sad.  God knows if I was in my right frame of mind, things would have been different.  I have spoken with him about Matt about these things and he swears he has forgiven me and  says he knows that I was sick .  He's my first born!  Of course he is special to me.  I guess they all are in one way or another.

Thanks for letting me write.  This is therapeutic.  I am not seeing Annette right now (who is my counselor.  I feel I have too much on my plate, there is a sense of hopelessness, but I also believe that God wants me to learn to lean on him, with a few close friends. 

 By the way, I had another major breakthrough today.  I made myself vulnerable, and jumped the hurdle of fear, to reveal to Mark what I was really thinking about. Why I was crying over my father.  I think I need to slow down, and sit with Jesus for awhile.  Lots of sorrow and lots of pain.

One more thing.  This friend and I were discussing a scripture yesterday.  She had a question about it so I had to go search it out in three versions and it is Matt 17:20-22  It talks about faith of a mustard seed.  You tell the mountain to move, and it will.  That happen to be for me yesterday, when all along  I thought I was helping her.  So yes, I spoke to this gigantic mountain and shouted "MOVE!"  I also was able to use it at the Prayer Meeting.